This is the ego: beautifully fractured, chained to perception, fed by approval, terrified of silence — Image by Author / Midjourney
Ever wonder why your mind spins with doubts just when you’re ready to shine? That’s your ego, spinning dreams into dramas. I learned that the hard way when it nearly cost me my career — until I turned the tables.
The ego — it’s that persistent, party crasher in your mental space, whispering doubts, fears, and endless “what-ifs”.
What if you knew, right away, if doubt, fear, or other unwanted emotions were coming from the ego?
What if you realized that the ego practically always sabotages your success and peace?
I’m going to provide some pretty telling examples that will help you decipher if the ego is the culprit.
A Little Story about the Ego
The ego evolved to protect us and keep us safe in a complex world. But like an overzealous bodyguard, it doesn’t always know when to step back.
Instead, it takes charge, often at the expense of peace, creativity, and authentic living.
Think of the ego as an overprotective friend who tries to help but ends up turning everything into a soap opera.
Its intentions may be good, but its execution? Not so much.
This article invites you to laugh, reflect, and rethink your relationship with this noisy, well-meaning saboteur. By eavesdropping on its antics, we’ll learn to spot its patterns, thank it for its service, and then lovingly tell it to take a seat.
The Anxious Protector: Always On Guard
Dialogue:
Ego: “Hey, just checking — did you notice Sarah didn’t like your post? That probably means she’s mad at you.”
You: “Or it means she’s busy with her life. Do you ever take a day off?”
Ego: “I could take a day off, but who will remind you of all the things you could fail at?”
You: “Wow, you’re exhausting. Have you ever thought of therapy?”
Ego: “I am your therapy. You’re welcome.”
What’s Happening?
The anxious ego lives in a state of hyper-vigilance, convinced that every silence or delay is a crisis in disguise. While it aims to protect you, it often ends up creating stress where none exists.
The Self-Doubt Whisperer: Questioning Everything
Dialogue:
You: “I think I’m ready to try something new.”
Ego: “Adorable. But, uh, what if you’re terrible at it?”
You: “What if I’m not?”
Ego: “Optimism? Bold. But seriously, let’s prepare for when everyone realizes you’re a fraud.”
You: “Why do you assume I’ll fail?”
Ego: “Because if I assume success and you fail, I’ll look bad. I mean, we’ll feel bad.”
What’s happening?
The ego thrives on protection disguised as pessimism. By lowering your expectations, it tries to shield you from failure, embarrassment, and public judgment. But in doing so, it keeps you small — blocking your authentic energy from fully expressing itself. Because to the ego, your greatness is the ultimate threat: it means surrendering control.
I remember a time I was laid off from a flying job. Rather than see it as failure, I chose to view it as an opportunity. That time pushed me to reinvent myself, learn to fly a Gulfstream G550, and ultimately get rehired by the very company that had let me go.
Practice Tool: The Evidence List
When doubt creeps in:
- List three past accomplishments that seemed impossible at first.
- Identify one skill you’ve improved recently.
- Remind yourself: Growth comes from trying, not perfecting.
The Competitive Ego: Always Comparing
Dialogue:
You: “I think I’m happy for Julie. She just got a promotion.”
Ego: “Happy? Sure. But isn’t that the same promotion you were passed over for last year?”
You: “So what? Good for her!”
Ego: “Good for her, sure. But doesn’t this mean she’s doing better than you? You should update your résumé. Maybe join LinkedIn again.”
What’s Happening?
The competitive ego views life as a race where someone else’s win equals your loss. It’s fueled by scarcity thinking, making it hard to celebrate others without questioning your own worth.
For years, I thought my value was measured by how I stacked up against others — their accomplishments, their status, their looks. But eventually, I realized: we each have our own path, our own timing, and our own definition of success.
Practice Tool: The Gratitude Shift
- Identify how someone else’s success might inspire or benefit you.
- List three things you’re grateful for in your own life.
- Focus on collaboration over competition.
The Perfectionist Ego: Never Good Enough
Dialogue:
You: “I think I did pretty well on that project.”
Ego: “Pretty well? You missed a comma in the third paragraph. Amateur move.”
You: “It’s just one comma. Nobody cares.”
Ego: “Oh, they care. They’re probably talking about it right now. ‘Can you believe they hired someone who doesn’t even know proper punctuation?’”
What’s Happening?
The perfectionist ego loves setting impossible standards. Its mantra? “You’re only as good as your flaws.” This can lead to overwork, burnout, and fear of starting anything new.
For years, I thought I was just being responsible. But looking back, I see how often my ego’s perfectionism cost me peace, delayed projects, and made me second-guess joy itself.
Practice Tool: The Progress, Not Perfection Rule
- Celebrate what you achieved, not what you missed.
- Set realistic goals that prioritize progress over flawlessness.
- Remember: A comma doesn’t define your worth.
The Paranoid Ego: Preparing for Disaster
Dialogue:
You: “I think things are going well lately.”
Ego: “That’s suspicious. Quiet times mean something terrible is brewing.”
You: “Or it means life is peaceful.”
Ego: “Impossible. Better start worrying now to soften the blow when it happens.”
What’s Happening?
The paranoid ego assumes that peace is a prelude to chaos. Its favorite hobby is catastrophizing, turning every calm into a potential storm.
I can remember countless times when I felt like I had to worry. As if something bad must be waiting around the corner. I’d mentally scan for what could go wrong instead of allowing myself to enjoy what was going right. Eventually, I realized that the universe creates more favorable outcomes when we align with a calmer, more open mindset — one rooted in trust, not tension.
Practice Tool: The Present Moment Anchor
- Focus on three things going well right now.
- Write down evidence that supports the idea of things being okay.
- Practice gratitude for the calm instead of fearing its end.
The Validation-Seeking Ego: Always Approval-Hungry
Dialogue:
You: “I’m happy with how that turned out.”
Ego: “Sure, but did anyone else say they liked it? Because if not, does it really count?”
You: “I don’t need external validation.”
Ego: “Ha! That’s cute. Validation is the currency of life. Go fish for some compliments before you get too comfortable.”
What’s Happening?
The validation-seeking ego ties your worth to others’ opinions. It’s endlessly searching for likes, compliments, and external approval to feel “enough.”
I eventually learned to start doing things not for applause, but because they felt true. Letting go of outcomes — and trusting that inner voice — led to far better results. No more chasing validation. Not even caring if anyone was watching. Just doing, because it felt aligned… because it needed to be done.
Practice Tool: The Inner Validation Ritual
- Before seeking feedback, write down what you like about your work.
- Reflect on what feels authentic and true to you.
- Practice appreciating your efforts regardless of others’ opinions.
Moving Beyond the Ego: Integration, Not Elimination
The goal isn’t to silence the ego but to work with it compassionately.
Think of your ego as a misguided intern — it’s trying its best but needs better guidance.
Daily Practice for Ego Awareness:
- Morning Check-In: Ask, “What story is my ego telling me today?”
- Mindful Interruptions: Set reminders to pause and observe your thoughts.
- Evening Reflection: Note one instance where you noticed the ego and responded differently.
By building a practice of awareness and curiosity, you’ll develop a healthier relationship with your ego, turning it from a constant critic into a cautious advisor.
What Contemporary Psychology Says
In the book “Ego is the Enemy” by Ryan Holiday, he argues:
The ego leads more often to failure than success. When our ego is in control, we tend to overestimate our abilities while underestimating challenges, which prevents us from connecting with others effectively and can lead to destructive behaviors that derail careers and lives.
Want to Tame the Ego?
Try remaining quiet in conversations rather than rushing to share your opinions or experiences. This creates space for learning from others.
Reduce the need to announce accomplishments or share thoughts online before they’re fully formed is also very helpful.
Meditation is very powerful in silencing the mind and hence the ego.
Seek nature.
Maintain your student mindset — learning from others throughout your life.
Conclusion: Your Ego, Your Ally
Your ego isn’t your enemy — it’s a part of you, shaped by experiences, fears, and desires. Its intention is to protect you, but its methods often need an upgrade. By recognizing its patterns, embracing its quirks, and responding with mindfulness, you can transform it from a hindrance into a tool for growth.
You don’t have to eliminate the ego— Just understand and redefine your relationship with it.
The next time your ego pipes up with doubts, comparisons, or catastrophes, try thanking it for its input and then asking, “What would love do instead?” Through this balance of humor, reflection, and compassion, you’ll find a deeper connection to your higher self — and the peace and wisdom that come with it.
If any of these voices felt familiar, you’re not alone. Which ego voice sounds the most familiar? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.
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Sending love, compassion, and patience in world that’s still learning to heal.
— Paul
https://medium.com/illumination/is-it-me-or-my-ego-a-guide-to-recognition-and-release-f4ecd57572f2
